


nobody said it was easy

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Car Accdient, Death, Family, Grief, Loss, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, this will make you sob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 11:46:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11207436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: robert wasn't meant to leave, robert was meant to be the one who stayed until they were eighty odd.it doesn't turn out like that.





	nobody said it was easy

**Author's Note:**

> so ... in short: i am the devil 
> 
> i stumbled back on the fic 'all the king's horses' by thisissirus (go check it out) and it basically gave me inspiration to write something where robert is actually the one who is taken from aaron. i also had a particular idea in my head which you'll see near the middle of this fic, so i just had to write it.
> 
> fair warning however if death is triggering - this isn't the fic for you

The car hits and he's gone.

It's not his fault either, some drunk driver with three kids and a mortgage just goes through a red light and -

He's gone.

It's sudden, quick, almost painless. Almost. But then again, it was his neck which did it in the end so it mustn't have been easy.

Robert's head was rolled back, a trickle of blood oozing from his mouth and eyes vacant, cheeks hollowing as he tried to breathe tried to hold on but it was too hard. Everything inside became too hard, too fast and he knew, of course he knew what was happening.

There's a knock on the door, Aaron knows who it is just by the shadow, it's his mum. She's done the decent thing, not gone for the plunge lacy number which was hanging on her door for a few days, instead it's just a modest little over wrap thing which won't attract much attention.

"Darling?" Chas says, shaky as she tries to get Aaron's attention. "You need to start getting ready."

Aaron sighs inwardly, tenses as she remains by the door. She hasn't moved from the house for days, won't stop being there despite how much Aaron blocks himself away and spends his days curled up in bed, Robert's clothes sprawled out on the bed and his wedding tie wrapped around his hands.

She just won't let him be, nobody can.

( _Aaron blinked, could hear everything from downstairs and wanted to scream._

_He could hear his mum, she was drunk, she was crying onto someone, onto Paddy._

_"He's broken." Chas said and Aaron shifted his body, came up onto his knees and hugged himself on the bed. "And - there's nothing I can do."_

_"You just have to be there for him. That's all you can do." Paddy said, his words hollow and filled with regret, sadness._

_"This is worse than before, this is so much worse than Jackson."_

_Aaron winced, his heart breaking into tiny pieces as he heard her draw the comparison. He knows it doesn't compare, can't._

_"Of course, this is his husband. This was - this was Robert. It was always going to be the worst thing." Paddy said, voice breaking._  

_"I loved him." Chas cried, and Aaron felt his heart rate completely die. "He was like a son to me by the end, he was really was."_

_Aaron felt a single tear roll down his face as he reached for Robert's pillow and held it close to him._

_"He was like this glue, held us together when everything went wrong. Always there for my boy, always there for Liv. What we gonna do now Pads? Eh?"_

_She fell then, probably into Paddy's lap and then Aaron held a hand over his mouth and felt himself falling back until he was laying on the bed again._ )

Aaron finds himself nodding along to whatever she's talking about and then lays down again, he does that now, just lays down on Robert's side of the bed and hugs at his pillow, it still has his smell he thinks as he closes his eyes.

( _"'Ron." Robert slurred, pushing his head forward and looking at Aaron, all he saw was his eyes, everything else seemed to blur. "Love you." He whispered, "Loved you, always - love you."_

 _Aaron had hated that, told him to shut up, told him to keep trying to stay awake for him, for them, for Liv - for their fucking life  -_ )

There's another knock on the door, then there's shuffling and the sound of someone leaning against the wall. Aaron doesn't have to look up to know who it is.

"Chas says you're getting ready." Liv says, pulling awkwardly at a black dress thrown on her by Chas probably.

Aaron sniffs, no tears though, he doesn't have any left, knows that Liv probably doesn't either considering how many she cries in the night. It's always on her own, always when the music is up loud and she thinks Aaron's asleep - she doesn't know he's not asleep, never asleep.

Aaron raises his head just a fraction, sights Liv's black boots and then a hem of a dress, looks up further and then sees what she's wearing. He instantly frowns, it's wrong, it's all wrong.

"What ya wearing that for?" It's just a dress, but then it's more than a dress, it's almost like -

Liv looks startled, "I - Chas said I'd need to wear something -"

"Respectful?" Aaron scoffs, it's bitter and nasty just like all his ideas nowadays are but he can't help himself now. "Like you respected him when he was - here."

"I loved him like a brother." Liv's cheeks go pink and then scarlet as she starts to cry.

Aaron can't hear that, hates it so much that he wants to scream. He thinks back to when he told her, when he sat down and -

( _"Liv, there was an accident." Aaron had said, head bent, blood on his hands, Robert's blood._

_Liv's chin wobbled, head shook and then she gasped. "But he's okay."_

_Chas was there, so was Victoria and Adam and everyone was crying suddenly and it was too much to bare._

_"He's not." Aaron whispered, shaking his head. "He couldn't hold on anymore."_ )

Aaron's heart aches at the memory, makes him feel sick as he remembers her shouting, her angry and her denial and then the way she stormed up the stairs hating the world.

She was like that for the whole night, then slipped in beside Aaron and held her brother as he cried and cried and wouldn't stop crying.

He looks up, expects her to be there still but she isn't. She's gone and he's alone and there's a sick feeling of appreciation for that fact. He craves it now, loneliness, it makes him feel bad and that's good now he thinks, feeling bad is the only way he feels anything now.

( _"Don't - please don't be so stupid, just - just hold on." Aaron's voice was growing weaker, people suddenly coming out of their cars and staring down at the scene of these two men, both paling and broken and -_

_"Can't." Robert buffed out, tears streaming down his face and a hand coming up to hold Aaron's face. "M'sorry."_

_Aaron's insides ached as he stared down at Robert, he had a wound near his stomach, he was bleeding from there and from his head and from his mouth and - his eyes kept flickering, mouth gaping open involuntarily._

_"Don't be sorry." Aaron whispered, felt something stir inside him which was so ugly and tragic that he wanted to run away. He had to let Robert just go. He couldn't hold him any longer though, Robert couldn't do it and he couldn't ask him to either because - he was in pain wasn't he?_

_Aaron leaned closer to Robert, tears rolling down his face, again and again and again. "You promised me, until we're eighty odd." He whispered, saw Robert's eyes flicker and his face distort into a sad and guilty expression. "We were supposed to be the old blokes who owned the mill, with the poxy cars in the drive way?" He didn't know what exactly he was saying, he was just speaking and speaking and nothing good was coming out._

_He just saw Robert in more pain, more guilt on his face. "Never wanted - wanted to leave but - I can't Aaron, it hurts."_ )

It hurt, it hurt him everywhere.

_'You made him hurt for longer, your selfish love for him made him hurt for so long.'_

There's a sound of rain outside, it makes Aaron look up and see the drops hitting the window over and over again, getting louder and louder and louder until he can't hear it anymore. It makes him wince, makes him want to hide away, makes him suddenly get up and do something else because sitting there on the bed isn't desirable anymore.

It doesn't even remind him of Robert anymore, when he finds little blonde hairs against the pillow it doesn't make him smile, it makes him angry, makes him cry and hate the world, hate himself completely.

"Aaron?" Vic is there, face blank, hands twisted round her bag. "Liv's written a poem, and - and I think they want ya to say a few words."

Aaron looks down at himself, doesn't remember getting ready but he's standing there in his suit, all black because it's a funeral isn't it?

 _His_ funeral.

Aaron stands there, tries to remember what Vic said and then does, it makes him disappear again just like before. 

( _"Come down man, come on." Adam was by the door, voice tight as if he had been crying or something._

 _Aaron couldn't feel anything, he'd spent the day curled up on Robert's side of the bed, holding his husband's cologne and the tie he wore on their wedding day and desperately trying to wish him back to life._  

_"Is Robert down there?" Aaron said, almost hopeful, almost like he genuinely believed there was even a fraction of possibility that Robert could be down there waiting for him, feet on the table, hugging one of the orange cushions he hated._

_There was a long painful pause and then Adam shifted on his feet, cleared his throat. "Nah mate, he isn't."  
_

_Aaron winced, felt a tear roll down his face._

_It hadn't worked._

_"Then piss off." Aaron grumbled out, almost pouted as he saw the shadow of Adam's figure linger by the door. "I said -"_

_"Yeah I know mate, I know." Adam whispered, voice laced with such a sort of sadness that made Aaron hate him just a little because - why was he so sad? He still had a marriage. He still had a life._ )

"I don't have anything to say." Aaron says, not meeting Vic's eye as he speaks. "You do it."

Victoria frowns, "But - no, Aaron he'd want you to say something."

Aaron shudders at the thought, the pressure.

( _"Are you not going to say anything back?"_

 _Robert had always wanted to hear it, to hear how much Aaron loved him._ )

"Why, because I was always shit at saying summat when he was alive?" It makes Victoria wince, her eyes go glassy as she looks at Aaron and shakes her head. 

"He'd hate this." Victoria says, looks like she wants to run out the room as she sees the state of it. Robert's clothes are all over the bed which hasn't been made for days, since it happened, there's a strong smell of Robert's cologne travelling through the room and it makes her eyes water even more.

Aaron takes it as a direct insult, scowls at her, says something mean. "Yeah? Well he's not here anymore is he, so who gives a shit about what he would have thought."

He does, for one, he cares more than anyone else maybe and it's killing him, knowing that Robert's somewhere else shaking his head and hating how Aaron's coping.

( _"I know it hurts." Aaron whispered, sobbing at his held Robert's head up. "But - being apart, that'd hurt more wouldn't it?"_

_Robert had to nod, knew it was true and then suddenly he shuddered, a pain shooting through him unlike any other._

_"I can't Aaron, I need - I'm sorry - I'm not strong like ya, I can't keep fighting." Robert whispered, slurred just a little._

_Aaron panicked. "But you can't leave me! You can't leave Liv and - our life, you can't just leave me Robert."_

_"I'm sorry." Robert shuddered. "Please don't hate me." He pleaded, the sound of sirens filling his ears and making him feel sick._

_Aaron clambered closer and began rubbing at Robert's face, "Never, no - not ever, I love ya. You know I do, tell me you know that, please."_

_"I know. And I love you," Robert panted, it was suddenly hard to speak. "Look after Vic and Diane for me yeah?" Robert saw Aaron nod his head through tears. "And - don't cry too much okay?"_

_Aaron let out a shiver at that, saw a ghost of a smile forming on Robert's face._

_"Be there for Liv too, tell - tell her I - I thought the world of her okay?" Robert panted harder than before. "I love - I love you - always have, always -"_

_It's too quick, too sudden, one second he was breathing and then next - he just wasn't._

_The grip Robert had on Aaron's hand loosened and he became floppy and rigid at the same time and - Aaron just couldn't believe what was happening, didn't allow himself to believe he was gone as he screamed out for the ambulance to come quicker._

_And -_

_Just like that, his entire world had ended._ )

He didn't want to go. He didn't want to have people hug him and say how lovely Robert was when they were probably just being polite, because he was dead and that's what you do when someone dies isn't it? You say nice things about them until you believe it's true.

But he's here. He's standing just outside the small church and he wants to hurt himself more than ever, nearly did the night before when he thought he lost Robert's ring but - there was a sound of a smashed glass downstairs and it stopped him, distracted him for a few minutes until the feeling faded away.

For some reason he thanked Robert after, as if he'd caused it to fall and not the open window and the windy night.

"Such a shame." Aaron hears someone say, "He was happy though wasn't he, when he passed, he was happy with Aaron.

He can't place the voice, doesn't even want to because his head is down and he can feel eyes on him and it's too much, too fast. Then he spots Liv, pink cheeks and watery eyes as she stands near the church door and shudders. It's not raining anymore but she hides behind a small umbrella like she wants to be cut off from the world or something.

A gust of wind picks up, makes Aaron's feet drag just a little towards her and again he's thanking Robert for some reason as she looks up at him and wraps her arms tightly around his frame.

"We'll do this together." Aaron insists, feels something again and wonders if it's love. He hasn't been able to feel that for days, all his feelings died with Robert, his big heart had shrivelled as soon as Robert let out his last breath - mid sentence of course.

( _"I'm so sorry." A doctor said, head down, hands flapping a little. "There was just too much blood loss, he wasn't breathing for ... too long."_

_Aaron heard the sound of Victoria breaking out into an ugly and haunting sob, he could see her crying into Adam's chest, her hands shaking uncontrollably as Diane sat there, stunned completely._

_Chas had her arms around Aaron, stroking his shoulders but he didn't move._

_He couldn't move, couldn't understand it because yeah, he wasn't breathing but - but they came seconds later, they had a mask over him, they were trying so why -_

_"You're lying." Aaron snapped, eyes hardening. "I want a second opinion." He added, felt all eyes on him, shocked faces._

_The doctor frowned. "There's nothing anyone can do for him now. He's d -"_

_"Don't you dare!" Aaron shouted, hands running through his hair over and over again as he wriggled out of his mother's grip. "He can't be dead because we're married you see, we - we're gonna start a family soon."_

_There was a sound which escaped from Diane, a painful one as if the news ached her bones._

_"So what you're saying, it - it can't be true. I mean it. It can't be true." Aaron gulped, tears falling down his face. "Because if it is - then, what am I supposed to do? What - what do I do now!"_

_Chas had a hand on his shoulder, felt her son start to panic and then suddenly he was turning around and burying his face in_ _her chest and sobbing._

_"Tell me they're wrong mum, please mum." Aaron cried, "He can't be -"_

_But he was. He was dead._ )

Diane calls his name and he barely registers, she looks terrible, keeps crying into a tissue and telling everyone she's lost her son and he doesn't know what to say to her.

She hugs him though, tells him that no one made Robert a better man than him and he still doesn't have a clue what to say so he just smiles faintly and she kisses the top of his head.

( _Aaron hated it. He could hear them all downstairs, could hear casseroles being passed and drinks being poured and he wanted to die._

_He just wanted to die._

_"He was a good lad." Aaron stood by the door, he was wearing one of Robert's shirts just because._

_He couldn't hear who was speaking and then he could. It was Cain._

" _He was a Dingle." Cain added and Aaron felt himself boil over. Quick steps down the stairs of his own house and into his own living room where everyone stood, crying._

_"No he wasn't." Aaron fired, he didn't realise how unkempt he looked until he saw the way everyone was staring at him in shock. It had been two days, maybe more. "You all didn't think he was good enough, you all thought he was Mr fucking Shifty and you couldn't stand the fact that I loved him."_

_Cain sighed, stepped forward and tried to hide Aaron away from the stares. But he looked anyway, felt sick as he saw Ross Barton standing in his kitchen with Emma._

_"Get the fuck out." Aaron screamed, his body launching into Ross. He was weak though and then rough hands were able to pull him back. Cain was able to pull him back._

_"Just gave me mum a lift." Ross had the decency to keep his head down._

_Aaron looked at how sorry Emma seemed. "Well I don't need God right now so do one."_

_Emma nodded and then Ross lifted his head. "I'm sorry."_

_Aaron shuddered and then suddenly swung, hit Ross hard across the face because he kept thinking of someone to blame, kept thinking about the shooting - and then Adam was holding Ross back from retaliating._

_"Get out of our home." Aaron screamed and then he saw all the sad faces looking even sadder because of what he had said. It caught him off guard as he heard his own words and then suddenly he shook his head. "Everyone get out." He said, voice shaky._

_No one moved and then he said it again, louder and everyone was moving nearer the door. Aaron's eyes fell on Lisa and Zak and the others, Victoria and Adam moved quickly until only Cain was left in the room._

_"I know you're hurting -"_

_"I don't need some Dingle intervention."_

_Cain sniffed, leaned closer. "You want me to take care of the guy who cut him up on the road?"_

_Aaron had thought about doing something, but apparently he'd turned himself in. He was going down for it._

" _Get out Cain." Aaron said quickly, head down._

_Cain nodded, a hand on Aaron's shoulder before he passed. "I meant what I said, he was - was a good man. I'm sorry."_

_He was but Aaron didn't even care._ )

  
He sees the coffin, the black car rolling by, rolling towards the path and up towards the church and Aaron feels Liv hold at him even tighter.

There's the words 'Brother', 'Son' and 'Husband' made out of pretty white flowers shown around the car, around the coffin and Aaron realises that he's the only one who gets to really feel pain at the last one - at the word 'Husband'. A thought of Chrissie enters his mind out of nowhere, she had genuinely been troubled by the news, no signs of good riddance on her face as Chas let her know.

( _"For what's it's worth, which probably isn't a lot, he had this wild ability of making you feel special when you were around him sometimes didn't he?" Chrissie was by the bar, her voice low as she stood next to Aaron. "He wasn't a bad man, selfish yes, but he loved you. More than I thought he was ever capable of loving someone."_

_Aaron raised his head, tears in his eyes of course._

" _And you made him good, you did that. Not me."_ )

There's a large bouquet of flowers being handed to Victoria who can barely hold them, he hears her confusion as she says something like 'Who's Brian More and why is he sorry he can't be here?' but he doesn't care, can't allow his thoughts to become filled with other things.

Aaron feels a hand on his shoulder, people keep doing that, as if they think he'll break if they just say his name as a means of getting his attention. It's Adam, a faint smile on his face and his eyes worryingly averted towards the car.

"They need us to - it's time." Adam's voice is low, almost like he doesn't really want to be speaking at all.

Aaron frowns, feels something inside him twist because he knows what he has to do now. He has to carry the coffin, it's sick, makes him want to run away and then suddenly, almost as if he is turning off a switch, he numbs himself and nods at his best mate. He manages to turn the pain off for a while, long enough for him to carry his husband into the church, feel nothing as people sob and some nice music plays. But then he's hearing Liv cry and his mum has a hand on his arm, asking him if he's going to say anything or if they should move on.

It's a blur, a mad blur of everything in front of him and he doesn't know what to do, but something inside him makes his head nod and then he's standing up and moving towards the front. He's hit by how many people are in the room, faces he knows, some he doesn't know, they're all upset, faces worn and sad and it makes his stomach churn.

"I -" it's a start, one which makes Aaron's voice waver and he realises how long it's been since he's talked to anyone so openly. "I don't know what to say," he mumbles, finds himself turning around and looking at the photo of Robert resting on the table near by. It makes him heart ache. He remembers when it was taken, how happy Robert was.

"Took that in Wales." Aaron whispers, almost to himself. "He'd been so grumpy, yeah I know that's rich coming from me but -" he hears the sound of someone laughing a little and he doesn't know what to feel really. "The sun came out, he rolled over and he smiled and I felt like my heart stopped beating because he looked so happy to see that the rain had stopped."

Aaron takes a breath, steadies his hands on the rickety stand and then gulps. It's mad, he thinks, how he's able to cry again. It's a sign of something, sorrow maybe or more than that, maybe he's becoming normal again, he's not numb anymore. He doesn't know if that's good or not.

"Sorry." Aaron says, knows that this is hardly the speech his husband would deserve and suddenly tries to steel himself to carry on. "He - he said he wasn't strong like me, but he was, and he was _good_." He looks up, sees Chas nodding her head in agreement and then Paddy's there too, nodding. He finally sees it, too late, too fucking late.

"I'm - I'm thankful that I saw that, that he let me in, let me see this - this kind, supportive, geeky bloke who just needed someone to stick by him despite his mistakes." Aaron feels himself getting through it, wills himself to carry on despite how much his chin is wobbling. "People usually say, when someone - when they lose someone - they say it doesn't feel like they're really gone but - _God_ it does. It feels like I've died, like I'm some ghost without him and -" Aaron drops his head. "He'd hate me for being so dramatic but it's true. It's too true to bare right now."

Aaron sniffs, looks at the photo of Robert again and tries to smile. "Just keep telling myself that he's Dublin or summat, charming clients into crazy deals. It helps sometimes, but then it hits me again, hits me that he isn't coming back. But he's not." Aaron chews his lip, feels tears come down his face. "He won't come through the door and say something cheesy like 'honey I'm home' - he won't."

Liv's sniffling makes him look at her and he smiles sadly. "Robert helped me find my sister again you know," he looks towards the people near the back, faces he doesn't know, wonders if Robert ever mentioned her to them. "Bet sometimes he lived to regret that a little, when she wanted to buy a drum set, and then play the guitar." He can't believe he's being able to joke, doesn't know if it's appropriate but then just as quickly doesn't care. "Being with them, both of 'em." He looks at Liv and smiles. "It made me the happiest I've ever been, and it was mad how easy it was to be after a while." A long while, years of trying to be happy, failing, trying and failing over and over again until it was almost perfect. Then Robert got hit by a car.

"Happy's never been a good look on me, that's what I used to think, then Robert came, he stayed, he waited and - he was it. Still is. He - he showed me what real love, what messy, scary, dangerous, heartbreaking love is and I don't know whether to hate him or not for it now that he's gone." Aaron clears his throat. "No I can't hate him, I can't hate him for letting go, I just have to love him even more. My biggest regret is not letting him know how much I loved him," he's speaking to Robert now, turns and has a shaky hand on his coffin. "Oh I love you." He says, feels himself break down, everything's falling apart and everyone in the room melts away until he's knelt by the coffin crying. "Always will, _always_."

The next moment is a blur, he feels someone dragging him away, firm hands, harder than Adam's grip and then realises it's Cain. He looks up, eyes streaming with tears and he sees how glassy Cain's look, he wonders if his words had hit him that hard or if he was just upset for his nephew. Everyone in the church is in tears, Victoria has turned pale and then Harriet is speaking again, she's saying something about how nervous Robert was about asking for her help when he was organising the surprise wedding. Aaron wants to smile at the memory but his head aches instead.

It keeps aching, drums in his head as Liv stands there in her black dress and reads out a poem she wrote called 'My sort of big brother', she nearly buckles and Aaron's brain kicks into gear eventually. He's pressed against her, whispering for her to go on and she can't until there's a brightness, a blinding brightness which shines through the stain glass windows and makes her emerald ring begin to shimmer.

She finishes the poem, doesn't cry again and Aaron finds himself thanking Robert again before he goes numb as he hears people clap, as he feels his body being dragged to the graveyard and then has to throw a rose in the coffin, watch everyone walk away.

He doesn't go, he stays. It rains, he stays, it pours and his mum only brings him an umbrella, she doesn't pester him, doesn't make him come back, doesn't even try and make him feel guilty by mentioning Liv.

Liv. Aaron winces, blinks once, then twice and remembers -

( _Liv hadn't come down, not all day. It had been two days, two days and she was reacting almost as badly as Aaron to the news. Not even Gabby had been able to help her._

_Aaron had surfaced, sick of the constant presence of his mother in his own home and the fact that he could hear her talking downstairs about him with Paddy. He had a foot pressed on the landing when he heard it, he could hear Robert's voice and he felt his heart race. He traced the noise, found Liv's door ajar, the sound coming from her phone which was held in her shaky hand as she rested on a mountain of pillows._

' _Liv, put your phone away. Wait? Is that - are you recording me? Is this for your snap thing?'_

_Liv's laugher filled the room as she sat there, still, almost broken by the sound of her own happiness all those months ago._

_Robert moved forward in the video, a goofy smile on his face and warnings about telling Aaron leaving his lips after she called him a silly old sod who didn't know anything about modern technology._

_It stopped once Liv broke out into a run, trying to get away from Robert most likely, the camera growing shaky as she continued to laugh._

_Aaron was crying by the door, hand over his mouth as Liv turned to him. He hadn't seen her since the night she came into his bed and held him as he cried, she'd turned herself off since then, let her emotions be private._

_"Play it again for me?" Aaron whispered, eyes red raw from crying and voice croaky as he approached her bed, watched her nod and hit play as he shuffled in beside her and began combing through her hair as he saw his husband's face light up the screen._

_When it stopped Aaron looked down at her, gulped hard. "You know what he said to let you know?" He whispered, shaky hands running through her hair still. "That he thought the world of ya." He ached as he said it, remembered Robert saying it, wanting to get it out._

_Liv sniffed, mouth gaping open a little. "He actually said that?"_

_Aaron felt tears in his eyes start to swell and he looked away. "When he was - yeah he did, that's what he said about ya."_

_Liv's chin wobbled. "I loved him, I'll - I'll miss him so much." She cried out, "What are we gonna do?" She said, collapsed into_ _Aaron's chest and made his heart ache._

 _"I don't know kid." Aaron whispered, had no clue._ )

Maybe a weeks gone by, maybe more than that but Aaron can't be certain. The days are starting to roll into one now, after the funeral, everything became even worse. The formalities are out the now, Aaron has nothing to stay strong for, it's all over, all just empty space which he realises is his whole future without Robert in it.

He wants to cut it short, recognises that saying that out loud will make people worry about him and so he keeps it to himself. It's almost a strange sort of comfort, the understanding that at any time he can just simply go and join Robert if he pleases.

Liv's back at school, more studious than ever before and Aaron hears her telling Victoria that it's what Robert would have wanted, her to get better at school. Aaron resents the fact that it took him dying for her to listen to him, doesn't tell her that though.

Things arrive, documents and records and Aaron has to sign them, being his husband after all. He suddenly resents that ceremony, when it was made legal.

"This one, it's his will." Chas says, soft and slow as she sees her son go to get up and head back upstairs to his bedroom, he can't waste a second away from their, the bed still has his smell somehow.

Aaron stops, jaw clenching. "Don't care." He says, doesn't. The thought of hearing about what Robert left for him, for his family makes him feel sick.

"He's left it all to you." Chas whispers, a hand on Aaron's and tears in her eyes. "Darling, he's left you a fair bit of money, enough to pay off the mortgage -"

"You think I give a fuck about the mortgage?" Aaron's eyes harden, can't believe how calculating his mother can be over this, over Robert signing away everything, his money which he worked hard for all his life.

Chas' eyes flicker. "No love, no you're right uh - he also left you his car, left Liv and Vic an equal amount. Liv's money is for Uni, wants her to spend it on that." She watches Aaron begin to wince, it's too much for him, he can't bring himself to hear anymore but she carries on, knows that she won't get the chance to do this later. "The business is yours he said, unless you want to sell up which in that case he says make sure to give it to Adam - but not mates rates." She lets out a little nervous laugh at the end and Aaron shudders, feels himself fall into her arms like he's a little boy and she rocks him, takes this to mean something considering he was keeping himself so closed off.

She takes it as a breakthrough, takes him coming down and letting her cook where Robert used to as an even bigger one but then she ruins it completely - she does something stupid and -

"What the fuck do you think you're doing you stupid cow!" Aaron's voice roars as he finds his mother in his room, she's folded away Robert's clothes, she's made the bed, purple sheets pressed gently down by her hands and all Aaron can think of is the way Robert used to push him down on the bed, kiss him hungrily, make him moan with pleasure over and over again.

Chas lifts her head, sees that her son is shaking with anger, "Just - just changing the bed for you sweetheart." She says, "You were at the grave and -"

The grave. It's such a cold way of saying it.

Aaron winces, he had a breakdown there, started wrecking things around him and then putting them back together again with gentle hands. He spent hours sitting there talking to Robert, secretly resenting the fact that he wanted him to be buried because now he had two dead lovers in the same cemetery and he wasn't even thirty yet.

He drags his thoughts back to his mum, to all the anger he feels and it boils over as he struggles to smell Robert's cologne. "Don't tell me you -" he has a hand over his mouth as he thinks about the fact that the sheets look like they've been washed. "You _stupid_ -"

Chas has tears in her eyes as she watches Aaron push past her and start desperately searching for Robert's cologne, when he finds it he breaks into a frenzy, spraying it over the freshly washed bed, rid of Robert's smell, of Robert's body pressed against it.

"You had no right, no fucking right." Aaron has tears falling down his face and he starts chucking Robert's clothes on his bed again, charging to the wardrobe and pulling out his blue wedding suit, he presses his nose against it, it smells like him, it settles the worry inside him a little and he momentarily forgets his mother is even in the room.

( _"That's_ _your best fucking suit ya know."_ _Aaron whispered, voice slurred as he attempted to find balance on the edge of the bed as he looked up at Robert, only wearing a pair of boxers._

_They were going to one of Robert's old clients wedding and of course Robert was making out like he had nothing to wear for it despite the amount of suits he owned._

_Robert raised his eyebrow, pulled out his burgundy one and made Aaron tingle with memories of that Christmas, that suit and those feelings which went with it all._

_"Thought this would be your favourite, you know, considering how turned on you were when you saw me in it."_

_Aaron stood then, hating how tipsy he already was from the pre drinks in the bar of the hotel. "That's the sexy one, but - that_ _one," he says, wonders why Robert's even bought it with him. "That's the husband one, so of course it's your best one."_

_Robert came closer to Aaron then, kissed him gently. "Best one yeah?" He said, soft and slow. "Mind me wearing it again then?" He said, "Relive our wedding night?"_

_Aaron gulped, "Don't mind at all." )_

"The only thing I had left of him - was -" Aaron looks at the bed, it looks too tidy, too well put together. "That smelt of him." He shakes out, "You took -"

Chas looks distraught, hates herself. "I'm so sorry darling." She says, stunned.

Aaron shakes his head, a memory of Robert shower gel flitters through him.

( _"No, he'll get up if you let him use this." It was Liv talking just outside the door, maybe to Chas._

_Aaron could hear despite his face being pressed down into Robert's pillow._

_"Trust me, he thinks we didn't have any left but we do." He heard, "It was what Robert used, it was his poncy -"_

_He'd been looking everywhere for it, couldn't step in the shower without it now and - he was on his feet, opening the door and there it was, Liv was holding Robert's shower gel and then offering it to her brother._

_"Found it hidden away, probably didn't want you to think he was still using it after all those insults ya gave him."_

_Aaron held it, gave Liv the faintest smile and then he was locking the bathroom door, crying like a fool in the shower because Robert was with him, somehow._ )

"Piss off." Aaron says feeling her come towards him. "I mean it just get out of my house, I'm sick of you pestering me like this just do one!"

Chas is startled. "I can't leave you like this, please darling -"

Aaron winces. "Fine then! I'll go." And he does, he just leaves for the first time in days.

His feet take him to the scrapyard, it's been long deserted by him and the piles of copper piping and scrap pieces mock Aaron as he charges towards the portacabin. His eyes instantly meet Robert's desk, it had always been neat, always been tidy but now - now it looked almost clinical. His books and files were stacked together in the corner of the long desk and he had to look away in order to stop from crying.

Aaron blew out a breath, shaking as he suddenly saw the sight of a photo frame, folded up, put on top of the other piles of paper. It was a picture of Robert and Aaron on their wedding day, with Liv squeezed in between them. The picture draws Aaron nearer, suddenly he's falling back on the chair and holding the picture in his hand. They'd been so happy, _he'd_ been the happiest he had ever been in his whole entire life.

Aaron's head drops, feels like he can't breathe and then he pulls open one of the drawers subconsciously. He sieves through the staplers and rubbers and work notepads until he comes across a page littered with universities - headed with 'Liv's Future'

It makes Aaron break, makes himself want to cry and then he looks deeper inside the draw before he feels at an envelope. It's addressed to Robert, been open already and Aaron hesitates before opening it completely. He unfolds it with shaky hands and then feels a stabbing in his chest, then his heart.

 **Dear Mr Sugden** ,

_We are writing to inform you that we have received your interest in potential surrogacy for you and your husband and would like to formally arrange a meeting in order to go forward with your enquirers._

Aaron lets out a loud and almost animal like sob, his head swimming with pain and misery beyond comparison because - Robert had known, he knew and he was probably going to surprise Aaron with the news. He was going to break the news romantically, over dinner or something like that, Aaron thinks, _knows_.

He feels like he's falling, falling down hill so fast that he cannot possibly breathe right -

Then Adam's there, he's pulling him off the floor and shaking at his shoulders and Aaron's eyes widen in shock. He can't think, can't do anything other than hear Adam speaking to him.

"Mate, oh mate c'mon, please." Adam's close to him, has a hand on his shoulder still and then he suddenly feels Aaron pulling away and trying to gather to his feet as quickly as possible.

"Leave me alone." Aaron mutters, can't bring himself to say anything else as he turns away from Adam. "I mean it."

Adam steps nearer though, "Please stop shutting me out. Please." He begs, voice tight.

Aaron spins round and begins trying to push Adam out the door. Adam's incessant though, keeps wanting to know what's happened because it's almost like he knows Aaron's just discovered the worst thing in the world. "Please man, please just -"

"We were gonna have a fuckin' family Ad." Aaron shouts, he can't feel anything but he sees the way Adam winces. "He - he wrote to a surrogacy place, they wanted to see us."

Adam's shaking his head, looks haunted by the words and then he sighs. "Mate -"

"I can't do it anymore." Aaron says and it's so calm and eerie that Adam's back straightens.

"Yes you can." He whispers, "Of course you can -"

Aaron just shakes his head. "I don't _want_ to do it anymore." He says before he races out of the portacabin and thinks about seeing Robert again.

The moon is up by the time he gets back, Chas is gone and Liv's round Gabby's so the house is painfully quiet. Aaron hears his own footsteps on the stairs as he climbs them, wants to hide underneath the covers for the rest of his life.

Everything inside him completely aches. His eyes droop and his heart is the most heaviest it's ever been as he slumps down on the bed, there's a sharp realisation which presses through him which he can't ignore. What's the point? He meant what he said at the scrapyard, he doesn't want to keep fighting like all those people do once they lose their other (better) half. He wants to give in, he just wants to give in.

That's when he looks towards the bottom drawer on his bedside table, knows exactly what will be there and craves it completely -

"You don't want to be doing that."

Aaron shakes, head spinning round and looking straight towards the door where -

Aaron blinks once, then twice, then three times and then shakes his head because he can't be really seeing -

"Robert?" He's stood there, hands in his pockets, wearing an old pair of jeans and a white shirt with Aaron's purple hoodie thrown over him yet not zipped up. He looks exactly the same, nothing like the image Aaron still has in his head, the one which haunts him, Robert bleeding, pale face staring up at him as he died.

Robert nods his head, a warm smile on his face which radiates the dark room. "You see, I took the razor out already so you'll only be disappointed." He whispers, still standing by the door as Aaron stares at him in awe.

Aaron's head bangs and he realises that he must be dreaming, he doesn't remember actually falling asleep though so this is strange.

"You - no, you're dead." Aaron suddenly stands, doesn't want to go mad, wants to be okay, wants to be sane for Liv's sake and not -

Robert winces, it aches. "Yeah, don't remind me eh." He says, eyes fallen on the state of his husband who still has his mouth gaping open and eyes wide.

"You're dead." Aaron says flatly, "Am I dead? Is that why you're here?" He suddenly feels sick and then Robert shakes his head. "Are you real?" He asks.

Robert suddenly moves a little towards Aaron and nods his head, letting a little shaky breath out as he nods at Aaron and then moves his forehead towards his husband. It makes them both shudder and then Aaron's throwing his arms around Robert and crying his eyes out. It's scary, the way Robert's body is almost warm and his arms are real and Aaron can breathe again, all he's wanted is to hold Robert, to be held, and now - 

"I missed you. I fucking missed you more than - I missed you so much." Aaron shudders against Robert, starts stroking at his face as he pulls away and feels Robert tug his waist and start to nod his head.

"I know, I know - I'm so sorry for leaving, I didn't want to." Robert whispers, it pours out of him and then he looks up Aaron, his heart breaking into a million pieces. "I missed you, I miss you, it's so hard Aaron."

Aaron lifts his head up, holding onto Robert's arms and shaking his head. "Well then come back." He says quickly, eyes wide.

Robert tilts his head, "I can't." He says, shakes his head and then looks up towards the ceiling. "You're lucky I got the chance to visit ya now." He adds, gently stroking at Aaron's face.

Aaron feels himself falling back on the bed, Robert joining him, still holding Aaron's hand as they both sit and face each other. Aaron hands shake in Robert's, a flush of emotion flowing through him uncontrollably and he can't help but stare at Robert, he hates how nearly forget how many freckles Robert had, how his eyes were a wonder, how his hair was so soft and gentle when Aaron runs his hair through it.

They stay almost in complete silence until Robert gives him a serious look. "I thought I told you not to cry too much." He whispers, expression sad and filled with sorrow.

Aaron frowns, "I feel like I'm breaking every day, I can't help it." He says, and almost on cue a tear falls down his face and he squeezes Robert's hand harder. "You have no idea how hard it is -"

"What? To watch someone you love hide themselves away from everyone who cares?" Robert gulps hard and then shakes his head, "I look down everyday, every second of everyday and I see ya crying and I hate everything Aaron."

Aaron shudders and then shuffles further towards Robert so that he is pressed against his knees. "I don't want to live without you, can't help it." He says, knows Robert doesn't want to hear that.

It makes Robert wince, "But you haven't done anything have ya?" He says, eyes glassy, "That's the first thing I did you know, hide everything, made sure that - that you didn't do anything daft."

Aaron shakes his head, "It wouldn't be  _daft_ , I'd be with you." He says, gulps hard and shakes his head. "Don't ya want that?"

Robert suddenly holds Aaron's face in his hands and nods, tears falling down his face. "More - more than _anything_ , but it's not your time yet is it? You're not ready."

Aaron pulls his hands away from Robert and then shakes his head. "And you were?" His voice breaks, "You didn't deserve to go like that, you should have died with _me_ , when we're eighty odd, in our sleep." He bites his lip, feels his heart breaking.

Robert's head falls and he breathes sharply. "Don't Aaron -" he shudders and then tries to smile at Aaron as he raises his head. "You can't think like that, just - just know that you have to stay here and I can't."

Aaron winces at the way it sounds and he wants to cry again but he battles through it, instead he looks right at Robert and holds his hand again. "Are you happy up there?" It's sound weird, talking about the afterlife or whatever it was.

Robert's got this glow about him again and he nods his head, "As happy as I can be without you." He shrugs and then leans forward. "Turns out, after all those times I was told to go to Hell, it didn't seem to work." Aaron smiles a little at that, he hasn't smiled in weeks. "Instead, I'm with my mum Aaron."

Something inside Aaron completely breaks and he feels himself breaking into a grin, despite the tears rolling down his face. "Really?" He whispers, heart melting as Robert nods his head.

"She loves ya, says that she's always been looking down, that she was proud of ya and me and - and that she was happy I found you, that I was lucky." Robert rubs at the tears which fall down his face and then he smiles.

Aaron breathes out quickly, "I was the lucky one." He says, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you enough. Sometimes, I just lay awake at night thinking that you never really thought I forgave you for everything you ever did." Robert looks away, seems like it hits home. "But I did, I forgave ya everything 'cause I knew you were sorry."

Robert presses their foreheads together, "I saw all my mistakes, so many were to do with you and I hate myself for it Aaron, but I'm so sorry for ever hurting ya." He gulps down hard, shakes his head as he thinks about all the memories which hit him over and over again for hours.

Aaron bites his lip and sniffs. "You saved me more times than you broke me, so many more." He rubs at Robert's arms, can't believe he's actually sitting with him, knows it isn't real but he doesn't care, Robert's here and it doesn't matter.

Robert smiles faintly, "It's why I got to be in the nice place," he says, sees Aaron frown and then elaborates, "See, I - I saved your life twice, and I saved Adam's and Andy's." He says and Aaron's shocked by how much Robert had done, how many people he had saved.

"Always thought you were superman or summat." Aaron mumbles, a hand stroking Robert's face and then he tilts his head. "Should of told you that too." He says, it's almost something haunting.

Robert shakes his head. "Don't worry about that." He says softly, "I heard what you said in the church, it meant the world." He whispers, "I was there you know, well, looking down."

Aaron thinks of the bright light shining through the stained glass window again and he smiles. "Yeah I know you were." He says, voice so soft and gentle that he wonders if Robert can hear him.

Robert smiles, closes his eyes for a few seconds. "I miss Liv so much." It looks like he is in pain and for the first time Aaron understands how much this must be breaking Robert, Robert who has been ripped away from his whole family. "And Vic, _gosh_ I miss her and Diane." He has tears rolling down his cheeks as he speaks and then Aaron's holding his hand, kissing at Robert's knuckles and then he realises that he isn't wearing his ring.

Aaron pulls back, moves a hand underneath his top and pulls out the chain with Robert's ring on. "Suppose you want this don't ya?" He says, shaky hands slotting the ring on Robert's bare finger.

"Mum's dying to see it." Robert says, and it's still weird as he speaks, Aaron can't quite believe it.

Robert shuffles just slightly on the bed and Aaron claps his hand tight. "Don't go." He says, panicking as Robert looks at him guiltily.

"I can't stay forever." Robert whispers, "You know I can't."

Aaron has tears in his eyes, "Then why are you here?" He says, voice breaking over and over again and hating how his heart starts beating louder and louder.

"To help you move on." Robert says, like it's simple, like it's easy.

"You're mad." Aaron shakes his head, "I can't _ever_ move on." He says, a hand running through his hair. "You're _dead_." He cries, tears falling down his face.

Robert nods, jaw clenches. "Yeah I know." He says, looks tired of being reminded. "But you're _not_ Aaron."

"Might as well be." Aaron spits and Robert looks haunted by his words, has to look away for a second and then he's standing up, walking towards the wardrobe. "What - what you doing Rob?"

Robert starts to take out his clothes, shaky hands and tears in his eyes as he feels Aaron try and stop him. "I'm just sorting it out so you don't have to." He says, comes back to the bed and begins folding all the clothes away like Chas had done before.

Aaron's face reddens. "No leave it!" He screams. "I want to do it, in my own time, when I'm ready." He says and then suddenly Robert turns and grabs him by the shoulders.

"Then you'd never do it." Robert says knowingly, watches as Aaron gives in and then starts to fold more and more of his clothes away until they're a tidy pile on the chair in the corner of the room.

Aaron looks at how empty the bed is, feels sick and wants to hate Robert for forcing him to face up to what's happened. "I won't say thanks." He whispers as he watches Robert sit on the bed sadly and nod his head.

"I knew that was going to be hard for ya." Robert pinches his nose and then looks at Aaron who's standing away from him. "Come here." He says, pats the bed and then watches Aaron walk towards him slowly. "I need to say sorry for not hiding that letter from you."

The letter, the fucking letter which could have changed their whole future -

Aaron clears his throat, his eyes are red raw. "Were you gonna surprise me or summat?" He says, a hint of something in his voice.

Robert gulps hard. "Yeah." He pushes out. "That night," he bites his lip and Aaron sees how hard it is for him to carry on. "Never got the chance did I?"

Aaron find his arms around Robert then, pulling him close and hearing Robert cry into him for a few seconds before he moves away and breathes out quickly. "Why did you want to hide it?" He whispers, once Robert looks a bit better.

Robert gulps, "Didn't want you knowing what we could have had." He says slowly, hands clasped together and moving up and down. "It's just cruel, I was going to hide it. Didn't know you'd go to the scrap -"

"Don't worry." Aaron says, sniffs. "Don't worry about that." He whispers, knows that living life wondering what if is going to break him completely.

Robert nods his head against Aaron. "You'll have that one day, with someone else." He says, his heart breaking and then Aaron pulls away, looks right into Robert's eyes.

"No I won't." He pushes out. "They'll be no one else I swear."

Robert frowns, "That's not what I want." He says shakily, "I don't want you to be alone -"

"Well tough. Tough because you are - you _were_ it for me." Aaron feels his heart pouring out and he holds Robert's hand, kissing it softly.

Robert bites his lip, "Please Aaron, just - I'm not saying now, not next year, or the year after but - but at one point, someone else is gonna make ya smile again, make you feel _alive_ -"

"No, _no_ not ever Rob -"

Robert shakes his head, presses a finger to Aaron's lips to silence him. "Just bloody listen," he sighs softly. "I just want you to be happy without me, somehow, so please don't deny yourself that."

Aaron nods, just a little and he isn't sure he means it but then Robert's so close to his face and -

"Kiss me." Aaron whispers, doesn't say 'one last time' but thinks it as Robert nods and presses his mouth towards Aaron's, soft lips meeting soft lips and Aaron realises that he's finally home again. It's everything he was missing, he feels almost whole as their lips dance and then Aaron's falling back on the bed, Robert next to him, crying as they kiss and then as they part as well.

Aaron rubs at his arm and Robert shakes his head. "I don't want to leave ya again." He says, feels his heart breaking as he looks at Aaron. "But I have to."

Aaron shakes his head, brings Robert further down on the bed and then holds him close. "Just a little while longer." He whispers, their noses touching. "Please."

They stare at each other, hands dancing as they lay there, soaking up each other and wanting to cry but fighting against it. Suddenly Aaron doesn't actually know who has it worse, himself, for being alone without his husband, not seeing or hearing him ever again. Or Robert, looking down, unable not to and seeing his husband in heartbreaking pain, not being able to be with him. It shatters Aaron's heart, and then he's contemplating doing something about it again.

Robert frowns. "Don't even think about trying to follow me." He says, eyes flickering and Aaron has to hide his face in almost shame. "I'm only up there with mum 'cause of you, because you made me good, you can't go and put me to shame by doing yourself in eh? You're the strong one."

Aaron hates that, he's not strong, he's just _had_ to be. There's a difference.

"Aaron." Robert whispers, makes Aaron look up. "Even dad says so."

Aaron's eyes widen, and he sees the way Robert looks nervous talking about him. "Your dad? Jack is -"

"Yeah," Robert tilts his head. "He's sorry, said you were right about what ya said in the forest that time, about me being amazing." He laughs at that and shakes his head. "He's sorry Aaron and I can't believe it." He adds and then Aaron's holding him tighter, his heart feels like it's going to be burst with joy for his husband.

"I'm so happy for ya." Aaron whispers, presses a kiss to Robert's hair. "See, he loves ya, and he thinks I'm a top bloke so he's not wrong at all is he?"

Robert laughs again and then he looks towards the clock in the corner of the room sadly. Aaron tenses just a little and then he has a hand tighter around Robert's and his eyes grow wide with worry. "No - not yet." He says quickly.

Robert turns back to Aaron and smiles sadly, "Look after Liv, she needs you so much." He says, sniffs. "Sorry." He adds, sees that this is too much for Aaron and hates himself. "I shouldn't have come, I'm so sorry."

Aaron's chin wobbles and he feels like he can't breathe until Robert's holding him again and he pushes his head into his chest like a little boy. "I'm glad, I'm glad you came." He grips Robert harder and then feels Robert try and wriggle away.

"I have to go back, I'm sorry." Robert suddenly stands, turns away from Aaron as he heard him cry and cry about Robert taking him with him. "You know I can't do that." He says softly, "If I could then - " Robert drops his head. "I still wouldn't because _Liv_ needs ya, she always will and I can't be a selfish prat and take ya away from everyone. I can't."

Aaron practically growls. "For _once_ can you just - just _be_ selfish. I don't care, just take me with ya." He says, pleads over and over again until Robert shakes his shoulders and he calms down. "I'm sorry." He admits, hates how emotional he was just a few seconds ago.

"It's okay." Robert whispers, hands softly combing though Aaron's curly hair. "It's okay Aaron," he adds, "You know why? Because - I'm the _first_ person you'll see when it's your time. Me. I'll make sure of it, I won't let you down." 

Aaron has his hands on Robert's chest, twirling round his own purple hoodie which Robert is wearing and then he nods his head. "I know you won't."

Robert blows out a breath, "Don't forget me." He pleads, knows that people always move on, Vic and Diane did without him for all those years, Katie did, Aaron could too.

Aaron has his hands around Robert's neck and he presses their heads together. "I could n-never forget ya, never." He whispers, "Oh god I love you too much to ever forget you okay?" He says, feels everything inside him fall apart as Robert nods.

"Don't - don't visit the grave too much okay? I'm not there, not really. But bring Liv, she wants to come, she's just too afraid to tell ya." Robert says, gulps hard. "Just birthdays, Christmas, and when you're really really sad okay?" He sees Aaron nod and he relaxes a little. "Put a rose on my mum and dad's for me as well."

The clock ticks, louder and louder and then Robert's reaching for the door. "I'll always love you, always Aaron, always." He says, "And I'll - I'll be with ya, be your biggest fan up there." He says, looking up towards the ceiling again with tears in his eyes which fall fast.

Aaron throws his arms around Robert and the impact is overwhelming as they both cling on for dear life, "I love you, I always have, never stopped Robert. I never ever will." He whispers, kisses at Robert's head over and over again before pulling away.

"Goodbye Mr. Sugden." Robert says, does something so soft that Aaron nearly melts, he blows his husband a kiss and Aaron just about pretends he's caught it before he starts crying again.

"Goodbye Mr. Dingle." Aaron waves, his heart almost falling out of his chest and soon it becomes hard to breathe again as Robert moves further away from him, "God, I - I'll see ya soon, I love ya, I'll - I'll see ya again won't I?"

He only manages to see Robert nod before he's out the door, before he feels his eyes flutter and he falls back into the bed with a small thud.

"Aaron? Aaron love?" He hears, eyes flickering as he opens them wider and sees Chas and Adam standing over him, relief washing over their faces as he wakes up properly.

Aaron sees them already looking at his wrists and he cowers away. "I'm fine." He says, sees them start to move back towards the door and then they're gone again.

Aaron stares up at the ceiling, it's probably about ten o'clock but he can still hear his mum pottering about downstairs, even after all the names he called her before. He blinks, feels a hollow sense of peace inside him and he looks around the room, sees Robert's clothes folded away neatly and -

"Just a dream." Aaron whispers, it couldn't have actually happened he thinks and then he feels at his neck, the ring isn't there anymore and he gasps with shock.

_( "Suppose you want this don't ya?" He says, shaky hands slotting the ring on Robert's bare finger._

_"Mum's dying to see it." Robert says, and it's still weird as he speaks, Aaron can't quite believe it. )_

Robert wants him to be okay, not to cry, he has to be strong. Aaron feels himself move from the bed, hands slowly coming up to open the door and he takes a slow breath as he comes down the stairs and sees his mum and Liv watching television, close together on the sofa.

It pains his chest, makes Aaron want to run away but he doesn't.

"Mum?" He says, watches her turn around and stare at him wide eyed. "Can I have a cuppa?" He asks, "Please."

Chas is suddenly to her feet, throwing her arms around her son and he hugs her back, hasn't done that for a while and he realises how much his mum is biting back, doesn't want to scare her son with her words. Aaron just nods at her, then slowly goes towards the sofa and presses himself next to his sister, suppresses memories revolving around pillow fights and movie nights and just - breathes.

For the first time in weeks, it isn't the hardest thing to do anymore.

 

 

_\- 60 years later -_

 

 

 

The machine keeps beeping, won't stop and Aaron finds it hard to breathe but he fights against it.

Liv's there, she's holding his hand and her husband Jamie has a hand on her shoulder.

"He's gonna be fine, small bout of pneumonia won't see him off." Jamie whispers, doesn't help the panic written all over Liv's face as she sits there.

"But he's in pain." Liv whispers, sniffs softly and then the door goes. Alex walks in, slow moments and soft hands as he squeezes Aaron's and tries to smile.

"Alright trouble?" Alex says, hair greying even more than Aaron's now. "Adam's outside with Vic and the kids, says he won't come in unless you say so."

Aaron smiles faintly at Alex, the man who made him smile again. It took years for him to stop comparing him to Robert, for him to admit that he had room in his heart to love someone again, but when he did, Alex loved him with all his heart and it felt good. They didn't marry though, Aaron never could and Alex never really wanted to either. Alex was patient, kind, honest and Aaron hated him at the beginning, when he showed interest in the widower who owned the mill but then he couldn't, and Liv couldn't and he helped them through all their grief knowing how he could never ever replace Robert. In the end he had so many more years than Robert could ever have, and Aaron hates how he has always resented him a bit for that. For just - sticking around and loving him for years.

Aaron nods his head slowly, "I wanna see the kids." He says slowly, looks towards the door and sights Adam and Vic, with their kids and -

Matthew's there, so tall now, eyes dark brown and floppy hair. "Alright dad?" He says, it still makes Aaron feel all weak inside knowing that he gets to be called that. Matthew's not really his, he was Alex's long lost son and - well he helped raise him like his own after his mother died. That took time, walls to break down as he tried to wriggle out of the idea of raising a child with Alex (not with Robert), hating how Robert was right, how he would have that with someone else.

For so long it felt like the ultimate betrayal and he kept himself hidden away again, almost became recluse until Alex held his hand and introduced him to his little one who needed all the love in the world considering he had just lost his mum. Aaron took one look at him and fell in love, despite the torment in his mind and all the grief which went with it.

He's his little boy who loved daddy Aaron from the minute he bought him a toy car, always has been.

"Hanging in there." Aaron croaks out before he looks at Victoria and Adam who sit down and watch Grace and Liam come closer to the bed to see their uncle. They've stayed together all these years, managed to be a welcomed constant in Aaron's life and for that he is eternally grateful.

It took a while for him to look at Victoria again properly, to willingly sit with her smile and laugh at her jokes again, make recipes and try to be a good cook for Liv. It was understandable though, whenever he looked at her he saw Robert and then Liam was born, with dusty blonde hair and a few freckles, the only difference being the fact that his hair was slightly curlier and he had bright blue eyes instead of green. Everyone, for a long while, ignored the similarities for Aaron's sake, maybe Vic's too but then he did something magical, he took it upon himself to give himself a middle name, wanting to be closer to this great uncle he never got to know. Liam Robert Barton.

"Yeah you do that." Adam says. "You keep doing that mate." He says and Aaron tries to nod at his best mate, the bloke who's stuck with him through thick and thin, the bloke who kicked a few blokes into touch when Aaron changed his mind about seeing them, the bloke who saved Alex's number just in case Aaron changed his mind about him too. The bloke who never gave up on him.

"Love you." Aaron says, voice faint but loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. They all smile at him, start saying it back. The last one he hears is from Liv's lips and then he feels Alex, then Adam, then Matthew press a kiss to his head.  

It's late when it happens, Liv's still with him, still holding his hand whilst everyone else is at the canteen.

He hears her say: "You can let go now, go on, be with him, be with Rob."

And then suddenly he's getting out of bed, his eyes are flickering like mad and then Robert's standing there, bent against the corner of the room with his hands in his pockets.

He looks exactly the same, same golden hair, same green eyes and soft freckles. He hasn't changed one bit.

"Hello again." Robert whispers, almost nervous because it's been so long and he didn't know how long Aaron was going to hold out for.

Aaron steps forward, every ache and pain he once had is gone and he feels almost young again. "Hello." He says, a hand coming up to hold Robert's face.

Robert smiles at him, "Look," he says, gestures towards a slither of glass in the door and Aaron steps towards it, is able to see that he looks like he used to, fluffy curly hair, hoodie on.

"Jesus Christ." Aaron says, feeling at his face and then laughing breathlessly before gulping hard. "It's my time?" He says, realises.

Robert nods, "It is yeah." He whispers, then pulls a face. "Your mum's been chewing my ear off for too long." He says softly and Aaron smiles faintly, his heart was never the same when she left.

Aaron blinks softly, bites his lip and then looks towards where Liv is still sitting, still holding his hand. "She - she understands doesn't she?" He says shakily, can't bare the thought of leaving here like this.

Robert kisses his head. "She always has done." He says, almost wisely and Aaron slowly walks over to her, holds Robert's hand and guides them both until they're standing behind her.

"Love ya kid." Aaron whispers, before kissing her head and watching her visibly shiver. Then Robert does the same and she turns round, her eyes wide in confusion and they both stare back at her in awe of her beauty and her softness. She's done Robert proud, university degree and everything. She always was going to do them both proud.

Aaron steps back just a little, still holding Robert's hand. "Can we look down and watch them still?" He wonders and Robert nods his head slowly.

That's when Aaron feels his eyes close and the sound of the machine picks up, becomes almost overwhelming to hear and Robert just squeezes his hand harder, says this is the worst bit and that it will be over soon. Aaron sees Liv start to scream and throw her arms around him, then Alex comes in and he's crying his heart out and Matthew's holding him back as Adam starts pacing the room and Vic stands there shaking her head in shock.

Robert's still squeezing Aaron's hand as everything fades to white, still looking so beautiful and young.

"Never stopped loving you." Aaron promises, knows that Robert may have been witness to all those times he told Alex he loved him, he did, oh God by the end he couldn't help it but, it didn't compare to what he still felt for Robert. After all, Robert still did have his heart. Always did.

Robert's just holding his hand, everything around them has disappeared and then he presses a kiss to Aaron's lips. "Ditto." He says.

Then Aaron smiles, feels almost like the weight beneath him gives way and that he's somehow floating on air, Robert right next to him as they begin walking, flashes of memories flittering through Aaron's mind as he comes closer and closer to the sight of his mother.

He feels tears swell in his eyes and Robert's still there, still holding his hand, still looking out for him and right by his side. Right there with him through everything.

_Always._

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so ... that happened 
> 
> i know the middle part wasn't exactly realistic but i wanted to include so i did
> 
> let me know if it was terrible or not, that would be appreciated. 
> 
> (if you're very sad go read some fluff right this minute!)


End file.
